My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Lol
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I told my vodka about you.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then