ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
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Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.