[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
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Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I have a black belt in leather
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo