captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
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You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.