I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go