Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
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John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
This is painfully accurate 😅
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.