Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
White parent Vs Arab parents
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage