Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
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*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Stop sending me this shit.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.