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They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Me irl
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.