According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
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(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Cannot stop laughing at this