A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
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As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.