Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
You Might Also Like
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.