I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
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The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I need to get some bricks…
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
What kind of a cult is this?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.