Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
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I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.