I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
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Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist