[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.