I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
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Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.