Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
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Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing