I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
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Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
work smarter, not harder
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
those birds must be on payroll
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed