Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
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boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.