My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
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The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”