People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
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Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
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is this how new cars are made??
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.