I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
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I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
My inexpensive home security system…
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.