Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
You Might Also Like
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Google Pay be like:
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?