I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
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interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.