Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
the three branches of government
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Natty or not?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Breaking news:
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish