me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
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If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.