My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
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If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Growing up was a huge mistake
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.