You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
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when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed