One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
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FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”