You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
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Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also: