When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.