it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
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I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”