Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
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[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
how much does a mortician urn in a year
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this