Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
You Might Also Like
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.