sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
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I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
My therapist after every session
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
bout dat hot dog summer
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me