I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
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I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.