Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
*checks Timeline*…
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.