[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
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Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed