When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
You Might Also Like
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow