[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
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ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I want this so bad
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.