Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
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Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”