got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
guys I’m going home
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Erm…