Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
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I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Ain’t no way
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I feel it
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.