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Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.