I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
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*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.