Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
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You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.