everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
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Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.