ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
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Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.