God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
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There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃